Loneliness And Nostalgia

 

Loneliness and nostalgia.

The two seem to go hand in hand for me. Loneliness leads to reminiscing on the past, and in my experience, that itself adds to the underlying ache of isolation. That's a word that has been thrown around a lot in the last six months, but personally, I have been isolating for years. Every now and then I let somebody break that bubble, pull me out of my hermit lifestyle and show me what I was missing. And I want that, I seriously do. Share experiences with someone else, have a support net ready to catch me. It does not necessarily need to be in a romantic sense either, just somebody to connect with.

Just a FYI, this is not meant to be a pity piece, rather im just putting my feelings out there. I know other people feel the same as I do, especially in the world we find ourselves now. And sometimes that is all it takes, a reassurance that your not alone, and although everyone is floating around in their own little bubbles right now, perhaps we can break down some of the barriers, and find different ways to connect. Whether it be through shared experiences, Ideals, thoughts and dreams, sometimes that is all we need.

For myself, as this is the only perspective I can truly write about, my lack of a “life” stems from two main issues; My Ibs, and being a serious introvert.

In terms of my ibs, that is not something im ready to put out there, long story short it makes it very difficult to socialise “normally”. Or what used to be normal, drinks, food etc.

Introvert is a word that is thrown around a lot though, and the meaning of the word seems to have diluted as of recent times. I can talk, however, about what it means to me. Socializing with other people saps me of my energy. The best way I can describe it is, you know when you have a phone for a while and the battery life gets shorter and shorter the more you charge it? That's what I feel my internal “batteries” are like. And the more and more I lock my self away to recharge, it always end's up getting to a point where I feel like its better if I just plug myself into the mains instead, become stationary and watch the world go by.

My main issue with that is I love being around other people, but after a while I just need to be alone. Not want. Need.

There are ways in this technologically driven world, that an introvert like me and you can almost connect with people from the comforts of our dens. Tinder, discord, numerous online mediums are out there to be able to “connect” with others around you without every having to have a shower, or get dressed.

But it is not really, fundamentally it is not. Take tinder for example, I used to thrive on that platform, talking away to all these gorgeous woman, putting my best self forward from the comfort of my self imposed prison. But after a while, it all becomes painfully monotonous. After realising that the last 20 conversations I have had are exact copies of one another, and they end at the same point also. The problem with dating apps for somebody like me, is that they are designed to be temporary. You match, chat a little, then arrange to meet up on an actual date. Imagine that, actually meeting up with someone from Tinder.

So I am at a strange point in my life. On the surface, I should be doing great. I am doing well professionally, ready to buy a house, own an attainable dream car. But there is a dull ache inside, like an old out of tune guitar, something just isn't right.

I know I am not the only one who feels like this, as I said before, we live in an ever isolating world. I hoped after the initial wave of lock downs across the world, it would encourage us all to engage more in what ways we can, embrace each others faults and flaws, and just love each other. But I realise it is not as easy as that, it can't just happen by itself. We need to be the heroes of our own stories, and for me, my first victory will hopefully be by filling this void I find myself with. Putting myself out there in whatever small way I can, and make as many meaningful connections as I can along the way.

The jist of this post I guess, is make sure you check in with those you love. Whether you are a hermit like myself, or know someone that is, don't let each other drown in the endless sea of self doubt and anxiety that is 2020.

Leave a comment if you can relate to anything in this post, or have any thoughts about what has been said.

Thank you for reading.